Does God Honor The "Want To's"?

I hope God honor’s the “want to’s.”

There’s many a morning that I want to get up and sequester myself with my Bible and a cup of tea and watch the sunrise in the presence of the Son. But instead, I run the gauntlet for two hours of getting four kiddos up, dressed, fed and hopefully out the door on time to catch the bus.  (The hopeful part comes into play that if someone has a bad hair day we can be running late and we have a new bus driver who seems to come earlier and earlier each morning. The combination makes for me typically driving the younger three to school frequently!)

Or when I’m sitting in church with our four peeps spread between us, my husband and I sit as bookends between their stair step heads. I really want to listen intently and take notes and follow all the Bible verses word by word. But instead, I share my pens, rip out precious journal pages to occupy busy hands and attempt peace keeping between dueling brothers in the middle of the supposed sanctuary.  Worshipful it is not when bringing kids into church.

Or on the holidays, I genuinely want to spend time curled up next to our glowing Christmas tree reflecting on Jesus’s arrival as the light of the world, but instead I’m usually up late doing last minute online shopping or wrapping gifts to put under said tree or I’m list making and checking it twice or cooking. The older I get the more I realize, it really is the women who make the production of the holidays happen.

And so, too, with age, I think should come maturity.  But why is it that the older I get and the older my kids get the less disciplined I’m becoming as a disciple?

I used to be able to be fully present - at church, the whole season of Advent, on vacation, out in God’s creation or even just chatting with a friend. But with children comes life lived in small doses. Bite sized self-satisfaction.  Nuggets. Just enough to tease and tempt but never truly satisfy your hunger. Just when you’re about to get caught up in the moment - of prayer, Bible study, or even just being still, the moment is interrupted.

The struggle of living life as a Martha - busy and distracted is the life I've come to accept as part of the job description of motherhood. But in my heart, I'm always  longing for Mary Moments. To be able to be fully present, and allow yourself to step away from the to-do’s of the day and instead sit at Jesus’ feet and be fully enveloped in His presence.  

I hope that God honor’s the “Want To’s” of life. I know that He looks at the heart, while others only judge us by our actions. Does that mean He knows my “want to’s”?

But he challenged Martha all those years ago that she was busy and distracted with her seemingly unnecessary actions in the kitchen while her sister Mary had chosen what was better.  Did he understand that Martha probably really wanted to join her sister in the room sitting at His feet, too?  

Does God honor the Want To’s?  

I sure hope He does, but I’m not completely convinced that He does. Just as I desire full obedience from my children, an excuse of “I really wanted to…” might work occasionally, but not daily. So too, I think God understands the demands of motherhood, and extends grace, but if I really want to continue to grow in my faith, I think I need to work to turn my want to’s into action.